Top Eight Things About Twilight That Sucked Big Time!!!
<------ Go Back Home Bella!!!
Okay I know a lot of you love Twilight and for those of you who do, I'm truly sorry. Maybe you should steer clear of this completely derogatory and diminutive list where we poke fun at Bella, (preferably with knives...) question Edward's sexuality and try to sign petitions to fund some shirts for Jacob.
- Bella's Fainting Syndrome: Why? Why? Why? What the hell is wrong with you Lethargic Witch? Can't you do anything besides piggy backing on Edward's glittery behind? I imagine it may also be because Edward secretly gets away with sneaking some B+ out of Bella when she's asleep. Poor Shrimp...You can't really walk when you're a dry-to-the-bone corpse now can you?
- Holes in Hearts That are Only Cured Through Attempted Suicide: Bwahahaha! Couldn't you have just died in any one of these attempts? You have a metaphorical hole, why don't you take Daddy's gun and make it real? You'd save me the 450 bucks I spent on two sequels, thinking there was a chance at improvement... Oh Stephanie, you let me down! Bella reminds me of a monotone clown, I invested with all my cash and heart, only to find out that you weren't too smart! Hey! I just beat Twilight by a mile stone! :D Yay me! (Okay...maybe Stephanie really isn't too bad...After all she did start a whole YA revolution. But couldn't she have just thought a little harder about Bella? And maybe consider against fashioning her like a Weeping Willow?)
- Edward's beauty, his charm, his nose, his mouth, his ass, his pit hair: Twilight really isn't a novel is it? It's a Beauty Guide Book, that describes some sparkly twat and his non-existent personality.
- Victoria who? Oh right... She's the rival who Meyer managed to squeeze in when Bella wasn't making out with Edward!: Do I really need to be explaining this? I mean a rival's not really a threat if she pops in once in about a hundred pages now IS SHE??? Ooh she's forming a Blood Sucker army...oh wait no! That can't be...Bella's out there brooding over Edward and Jacob! She couldn't possibly do that when there's a potentially apocalyptic legion attempting to maul her now could she?
- Reneesme??? Am I the Only One Who Finds That Name Completely Thick?: Throughout the entire book (if you could call the incomprehensible whine of an angst ridden teenage twig that) there was absolutely no reference to Bella and Edward really looking up to their mothers and respecting them enough to come out of their drunken infatuation and surfacing to acknowledge the presence of other people in their lives...Of course only when they were in trouble. (which shockingly they seemed to be drowning under) Also keep in mind- Bella didn't mind leaving her family behind forever just to be with Edward. I'm assuming this title was a feeble attempt by the author to show that Bella and Edward are warm people/blood suckers who are devoted to everyone rather than themselves and really are grateful to their families. Well...Sorry Steph, I still think they're still two incredulously selfish twats.
- Gasp* Jacob's Nailing an Infant!: Okay so let me get this straight... Jacob felt this bond with Bella because she would in the future be the poxy mom to a sniveling brat that just happened to be his true love. Let me ask you something? Have you ever felt the need to snog your partner's mom just because they're the same blood and guts? Yeah...I think I've made my point?
- The Poor and Very Conveniently Misinformed Volturi: I just find it strange that the Volturi knows everything that happens between Bella and Edward but didn't seem to know that they'd missed a Vampire/Human hybrid growing for years under their very noses. And this dude very conveniently pops up in the end and then everything's just all darn ponies and roses after that! I refuse to believe that this story ends like a fairy tale!
- Rose...: I just don't see this chick's problem...Okay she was raped or abused when she was a human, but then why does she want to revert back to one so badly? just because she wants to bear a child? That just doesn't seem like a plausible reason to hate Bella (unless of course you're the reader, in which case the hatred is instantaneous!) and envy her entire species, especially when it was the one that made you plunge yourself off a cliff in the first place...(Or did someone else chuck her? I really couldn't care less either way!)
So that's it Doc!!
Love and Fistbumps forever,
Halinor Everdeen Cipriano.